Yummy!

Me: What's your favorite animal?
Student: Chicken!
Me: What animal do you wish you could be?
Student: Chicken!
Me: What's your favorite food?
Student: Chicken Nuggets!

Food for Thought

My autistic student cracks me up. He's smarter than anyone. He says, "Your pants are on backwards!!" I said, "No, honey, the pockets just look like that." He goes, "SHAWN, your PANTS are on BACKWARD!! How can you teach us anything!?!?!?!"

In Sickness and in Health

Best part of going back to work after being sick? The cards. "I am fairy glad you are better mow." "I lick you so mush. Hop yuo fell beter." "Were were you. The sub suked. Glad you are bitter."

First Day

I spent hours making a Powerpoint of my rules, etc, for the first day.  The grand finale was a slide that said, "You are all unique!"  Fast forward to me saying, "Boys and girls, let's read this last one together, because it's how I feel about you."

Class:  You are all UNQUIET.

Curriculum Night

Parent:  So, how much time do you spend talking about Satan?
Teacher:  (In her head) What the FUCK???????

Occupational Therapy

OT guy to kindergarden student:  What's hard for you?

Student, after thinking hard for a moment:  Um...the floor?????

A to Z

Testing.  Testing a child one on one is always enlightening.  When asked to write the alphabet from A to Z a kindergarten student in our building made it to the letter 'g' before attempting a peek at the alphabet line hanging on the wall.

"Oh, no.  No peeking.  I need you to write it without looking," his teacher said.

The child looked confused, then put both hands over his eyes and attempted to write the rest of the alphabet.

From the Mouths of Babes

Recently our Teacher of the Year gave us an inspiring speech.  In it she told us to be sure to really listen to our kids and to be sure to ask questions.  She learned this, she said, when a student of hers came running up to her, all upset, because another student had said the dreaded "F" word.   She pulled the "F" word kid aside and chewed him out but good.  When the child was finally crying, she stopped yelling, thus giving him time to respond.  His response?

"I didn't know phooey was a bad word!!!!"

Thanks. No, really. Thanks.

Wow.  I mean, well, wow!  I know he' a fifth grader but I'm impressed.  I am cute though so I bet they just can't help their little, adorable crushes.

Little bastard.

Why Adam Can't Read

Adam:  I can't read today!

Me:  Why not?

Adam:  Because my cat's gonna have babies!!!!!!

Me:  (silence) ........... (more silence)..........(WTF?)

Use Colorful Words

Me:  You can use the word happy but maybe it'd be more powerful if you used a different word.  Like, jubilant.  Or cheerful.

Student:  You can use constipated!

Me:  Um, I think you mean content.

Overheard Advice

"If you're ever mean to God, he'll do something to you.  My brother says he'll push you off your bike!"

Notes

I love notes from former students.  "What's with your hair?"

Mother's Day

Me:  Tell me about your mom so I can write what you said in our Mother's Day cookbook!

Student:  Well, she's really fat...

Telling Time

Me:  Now look at Joe.  Does he have an analog clock or a digital clock?

Student:  Uh, he has a watch.

Mother's Day

This was a Mother's Day project.  The best part is where he writes, "She hits him with a wooden spoon.  I like it very much!"  By the way, I called mom, whom I knew very well.  She was horrified.  HE though it was hilarious.

Why Won't You Listen????

Student:  The DARE guy is more patient than other teachers.

Me:  Yeah, well, you listen to him.

Student:  Well, duh!!  He has a GUN!

Excuses from "Parents"

Sharing

This thoughtful parent sent me a nose ring.  I was grateful.  Freaked out, but grateful.

Long Day

Ah, yes, one of THOSE days.  I love that my friend from across the hall sent me this on such happy paper all stapled about a million times.

Excuses

"My brother broke out with ammonia!!"

Teaching Letter Writing

Me:  Write it in letter format.

Student:  Letter for Matt???

Ahhh...another student note

Dear Fill (I used your frist name cause its a note!)
your hare is terning Gray.
you are
funny.
love,
Don

Fire

Memo to staff:

What would you do if your regular fire exit was blocked?

Co-worker:  My class would panic, run in circles and burn.

Why Some Teachers Should NOT Get Tenure

Me:  When is Johnny Appleseeds birthday?

Co-worker:  Who cares?  Like he's some big, important person in our history.  What'd he do?  The guy discovered apples!  Big deal!!!

Tattling

"Joey said the f-word!!!!  Joey said the f-word!!!!"
This is kindergarten for god's sake.

"What?  OK, go into lunch.  I'll take care of it."

I get Joey and pull him out of line.

"Joey, Thomas told me you said the f-word."
"NO I DID NOT!!!  I DID NOT!!!"
"Well, he said you did."
"I did NOT say the f-word!!!  I said the m-word!!!"

I am confused.  I think for awhile.  Stumped.
Me, "What is the m-word?"
"I said Motherfucker!!!"

Teaching Writing

When I first teach writing early in the year, I tell my students to just write about anything they want.  They usually stare at me awhile, confused from years of "Today write about Fall".  I nudge them along with the advice, "Write what's in your head.  Did you get in a fight on the bus?  Did you see a movie over the weekend?"  When I got this paper back I was confused.  Calling the student back to my desk I said, "Honey, tell me about your writing."  She replied, "Well, you said to write what was in my head and all that was in there was "Uhhhhh....Uhhhhhh....Uhhhhhhh..."