Directions

And we expect the KIDS to follow directions????

Old School

This is waaaaay funnier than "Kick Me".

Bible School

The preschoolers got out the bible trivia cards and asked my teacher friend to ask them questions.
Question #1. How many days did it take God to create the world?
Olivia: Six hundred million!
Kaylynn: Jesus!
Alexis: It has to be a number stupid. The answer is seven.
Teacher: Close. The number is six. God rested on the seventh day.
Alexis: God got arrested? Hahahaha!

Oh shit! Shart!

School nurses do not get paid enough. Overheard at the nurses office:

I thought I was farting but a lump came out.

I think I threw up in my underwear!

Speed

Overheard from one teacher to another, "My kids are operating at the speed of DUH today."

Yummy!

Me: What's your favorite animal?
Student: Chicken!
Me: What animal do you wish you could be?
Student: Chicken!
Me: What's your favorite food?
Student: Chicken Nuggets!

Food for Thought

My autistic student cracks me up. He's smarter than anyone. He says, "Your pants are on backwards!!" I said, "No, honey, the pockets just look like that." He goes, "SHAWN, your PANTS are on BACKWARD!! How can you teach us anything!?!?!?!"

In Sickness and in Health

Best part of going back to work after being sick? The cards. "I am fairy glad you are better mow." "I lick you so mush. Hop yuo fell beter." "Were were you. The sub suked. Glad you are bitter."

First Day

I spent hours making a Powerpoint of my rules, etc, for the first day.  The grand finale was a slide that said, "You are all unique!"  Fast forward to me saying, "Boys and girls, let's read this last one together, because it's how I feel about you."

Class:  You are all UNQUIET.

Curriculum Night

Parent:  So, how much time do you spend talking about Satan?
Teacher:  (In her head) What the FUCK???????

Occupational Therapy

OT guy to kindergarden student:  What's hard for you?

Student, after thinking hard for a moment:  Um...the floor?????

A to Z

Testing.  Testing a child one on one is always enlightening.  When asked to write the alphabet from A to Z a kindergarten student in our building made it to the letter 'g' before attempting a peek at the alphabet line hanging on the wall.

"Oh, no.  No peeking.  I need you to write it without looking," his teacher said.

The child looked confused, then put both hands over his eyes and attempted to write the rest of the alphabet.

From the Mouths of Babes

Recently our Teacher of the Year gave us an inspiring speech.  In it she told us to be sure to really listen to our kids and to be sure to ask questions.  She learned this, she said, when a student of hers came running up to her, all upset, because another student had said the dreaded "F" word.   She pulled the "F" word kid aside and chewed him out but good.  When the child was finally crying, she stopped yelling, thus giving him time to respond.  His response?

"I didn't know phooey was a bad word!!!!"

Thanks. No, really. Thanks.

Wow.  I mean, well, wow!  I know he' a fifth grader but I'm impressed.  I am cute though so I bet they just can't help their little, adorable crushes.

Little bastard.

Why Adam Can't Read

Adam:  I can't read today!

Me:  Why not?

Adam:  Because my cat's gonna have babies!!!!!!

Me:  (silence) ........... (more silence)..........(WTF?)

Use Colorful Words

Me:  You can use the word happy but maybe it'd be more powerful if you used a different word.  Like, jubilant.  Or cheerful.

Student:  You can use constipated!

Me:  Um, I think you mean content.

Overheard Advice

"If you're ever mean to God, he'll do something to you.  My brother says he'll push you off your bike!"

Notes

I love notes from former students.  "What's with your hair?"

Mother's Day

Me:  Tell me about your mom so I can write what you said in our Mother's Day cookbook!

Student:  Well, she's really fat...

Telling Time

Me:  Now look at Joe.  Does he have an analog clock or a digital clock?

Student:  Uh, he has a watch.